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No joking, Brett Ratner to produce the Academy Awards

Posted Friday, August 5, 2011 at 4:54 PM Central

by John Couture

This week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released a press release in which they announced that director Brett Ratner will join Don Mischer to produce the 84th Academy Awards telecast. Don Mischer returns to produce his second Oscars telecast after producing last year's show, while this will be Ratner's first time as producer.

I never knew that the Academy had a sense of humor. I was sure that it was a joke, because there's just really nothing in Ratner's body of work that inspires a lot of faith in me that he'll be able to handle the ceremony with the usual pomp and circumstance.

Of course, maybe that's a good thing as the Academy Awards has come under fire the last few years for being stale and uptight, especially in contrast to its biggest rival, the Golden Globes. According to Academy CEO Dawn Hudson, "Brett has a really smart and fresh take for the show."

Don Mischer also lauded Ratner. "I hope to take the wealth of knowledge I now have about the Oscars, which is a completely unique kind of show, and work with Brett to create an evening that is fast-paced, fun, and memorable to movie fans and Oscar fans everywhere."

Known mostly for directing the Rush Hour movies and getting his start by directing rap and hip hop videos, Brett Ratner has developed a bit of a reputation as a Hollywood playboy and has a very particular style in his films. For some reason, I'm envisioning chase scenes, explosions and the inclusion of something called Oscarettes, which are basically women dressed in bikinis that really serve no purpose other than to increase the show's "eye candy quotient."

Hmm, this gives me an idea. What if other Hollywood directors were recruited for future Oscar telecasts? It might look something like this:

  • Quentin Tarantino - In breaking with the conventional order of awards, The Best Picture Oscar will kick off the show. Various segments will be have subtitles, whether the presenters are speaking a foreign language or not. There will be random sequences of violence with copious amounts of blood. The first ever Oscars soundtrack will be a top-selling album for over a month.
  • Kevin Smith - For the first time in decades, the telecast will be presented in black and white. There will be random title cards inserted throughout the telecast. The network will have to employ an army of censors to try and keep up with the expletive-laden show. Kevin will provide live audio commentary via the SAP button and will live-tweet all the expletives to his huge Twitter audience.
  • Tim Burton - The color palette of the show will be dark and muted. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter will present each and every award during the show and serve as co-hosts.
  • Christopher Nolan - Bruce Wayne makes a cameo and then Batman shows up just in the nick of time to save the show from a medley of his villains. We come to learn that the last decade of Oscar shows were all part of a dream and the show ends with a closeup shot of a spinning top. It fades to black, leaving us wonder and debate as to whether the top ever topples over.
  • Michael Bay - For the first time ever, the show is broadcast in 3D. In fact, you can only see it in 3D. The entire show is one explosion after another and the very future of the world hangs in the balance, but somehow Shia LaBeouf saves us at the last second. As the show progresses, the female co-host (which is replaced periodically with increasingly hotter women) wears skimpier and skimpier outfits.

So, this is obviously just the tip of the iceberg, can you think of any other directors who would make an interesting impression on the Oscars? The 84th Academy Awards will be presented on Sunday, February 26, 2012.